I was 16 and as my parents sat on either side of me, they told me the answer to my questions about why I was recently so sick. I had morning sickness, I was pregnant. I told them they were wrong and that it couldn’t happen to me. I went through the next two days confused as everyone was telling me so many things and how I wasn’t ready for something like this, and it just wouldn’t be good for me. Two days later I had an appointment and my mother took me to have an abortion. I was numb about what I had done to myself and for the next few years I spiraled down and away from God, whom I had always been close to growing up. I went off to college and managed to go through two more serious boyfriends and the loss of my father.  I never got to talk to him about my pregnancy and find out if he was mad, disappointed, or what he thought. It seemed to haunt me on a daily basis – to see the signs and people protesting what I had done, and it was taboo to talk about my life.

I kept looking for someone to love me and help me get through things. When I was in college I met a guy with two kids and thought he was my answer and that he would understand. Suddenly I was swept up by someone who really didn’t care about me as much as I thought, and soon I was lost and alone and pregnant again.  A week later I had a miscarriage. I thought God was telling me that maybe I wasn’t worthy to have another child and it killed me inside. I then ended up pregnant a third time and I thought to myself, ‘I will do it all on my own and I’ll find a way to finish college and make it happen.’ I was told by others that I couldn’t make it, life would be terrible, and the baby’s father would never be there or help me. My family told me it was a bad idea and finally the guy even told me he really didn’t want any part of it either. I was broken and drowning in terrible thoughts for myself and a baby that would be unloved and forgotten by others. I started feeling physical pains again, and it only made me think I couldn’t do this anymore. I made an appointment and again lost my baby.

I now am a graduate with a Bachelor’s degree, a mother of two girls and married to a man that would do anything for us. I prayed for help after going through all these things, and I really had to separate myself from all the evil of the world that influenced me to do things I don’t think I would ever do again. I love my children fully with 100% of my heart and will never let anyone take them away from me. God knows I have five babies and they are all mine. It took me a long time (over 10 years) to even be able to speak about this and deal with who I was and what I had done. I asked God for forgiveness and he forgave me, but that wasn’t enough. I hurt my babies and myself, so just like in any relationship I needed to ask my babies to forgive me as their mother and allow myself to still love them and pray for them. I told God that something was missing, and as I listened to music, prayed and worshiped God, He gave me just what I needed: I needed to forgive myself. I am still working on it, but I am a proud mother of five and have an amazing family that I’m still working on because God has given me the grace to do so.